Announce This!!!

Sorry everyone, but due to a shortage of humour, caused by warfare in humour producing zones, I shall be unable to update this week. As a substitute, may I humbly request that you instead share a hearty chuckle with your loved ones about something adorably precocious a young child said. Either that, or watch a Seinfeld rerun.

Delicious yet Deadly

Gentle reader, as I write this, it is Saint Valentine's Day. I am sure your heart is full of love, or alternatively your eyes are full of tears and your stomach is full of chocolate you bought yourself. Talking of hearts and fullness, do you know what many people's hearts are full of? The answer is cholesterol buildup. What causes this, I hear you cry? (Please note that I cannot actually hear you, this is a computer, not some magic voice machine.) Very often, the cause is fast food, that most sinister yet tasty product of this modern world. As a public service, I hereby list some of the strangest fast food items to slide down America's greasehole.

1) The Bell Beefer - The mere thought of this brings a smile to my face. Offered by Taco Bell, now discontinued, the Beefer was standard taco ingredients, beef, cheese, sour cream etc, placed inside a bun, to attract customers more used to hamburgers. Apparently there was a section of the population who could not bring themselves to understand food contained in a crispy corn shell rather than a fluffy rondelle of bread. And Taco Bell wished to cater to this group. Also, Bell Beefer would make a good name for a cartoonish bully in a light hearted scifi action show directed at children.

2) The McRib - The McRib is beguiling in its artificiality. Close your eyes, take a bite, and you might imagine you are eating actual food. However, this strange pork burger stands as a testament of man's sinister dominion over food. Rib shaped without ribs, covered in a sickly tangy sauce that defies description, loaded with pickles and onions that have never known the gentle kiss of the sun. In the future, the McRib will stand, outlasting us, and even the cockroaches themselves

3) Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger - A regular Jack in the Box favourite, the UBC can only be described as food porn. Countless millions waste away, while the elite gorge on two slabs of beef, three slices of cheese like substance, and two strips of bacon, all soaked in an unholy cocktail of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, and oil. Afterwards you may feel sluggish and faintly disappointed with yourself, but while it lasts, it is ecstacy.

4) Bag O'Poison N' Glass - This was offered for a very brief time at Wendys. It was a poorly received attempt at marketing to "extreme" teenagers, but was discontinued when research proved that not even the most avid skateboarders enjoyed eating shards of broken glass slathered in cyanide and chipotle pepper sauce.

5) Chicken Fries - Burger King felt that nuggets were inadequate. America craved, nay deserved, a new way to consume fatty chunks of deep fried processed poultry. Thus was born the Chicken Fry. Somewhere, up there, the man who first cut a potato into a long strip and dipped it in boiling fat is smiling. Someday, all food may be in the form best suited for dipping in the condiment of your choice. Fry Nation is coming, accept or be chipped.

Highway to Terror

I went to Houston this weekend, and returned to Austin on this Sunday. On doing this, I discovered an awesome way to freak yourself out.

So I'm driving on 290, and it is dark, dark as, oh, let's say night. There were no street lights, and very few other cars. Trees lined the side of the road. I have this gadget that broadcasts songs from my Ipod onto the radio. The songs were on random, and "She's In Parties" by Bauhaus came on. By itself, it is a weird enough song. When it is dark and the song goes weirdly staticky and pulses with a strange unearthly beat just on the edge of hearing, it is downright eerie.

That's when the vampires attacked .....

Matthew Answers Fan Mail

I have received an overwhelming response to my recent post about Top 5 lists. One Judith G. Allans, of Boise, Idaho, sent me this heartfelt missive.

Dear Matthew,
I am terminally ill, and before I die, I wish to know the full
content of your Top 5 Top 5 lists.
Yours,

Judith G Allans;
Boise, Idaho.

Well Ms Allans, that is quite the message there. First, as you are not an acquaintace, I would ask that you refer to me as Mr. Donovan. However, despite your impropriety, I will grant your request.

Top 5 Songs about Telephones
1) "Silent Telephone" by The 101'ers
2) "Hangin' on the Telephone" by Blondie
3) "Spiderwebs" by No Doubt
4) "Phone Machine" by The Vandals
5) "867-5309" by Tommy Tutone
Top 5 Words That Rhyme with Purple
1) Nurple
2) Curple
3) Hirple
4) Urkel
5) Orange (Note that this rhymes only on the Shimada-Collins Colour Phoneme Equivalency Scale)
Top 5 Sandwiches Made with Beef
1) BBQ Brisket Sandwich
2) Steak Sandwich
3) Roast Beef Sandwich
4) Salt Beef Sandwich
5) Hamburger
Top 5 Words That Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Not
1) Nuptials
2) Penal
3) Kumquat
4) Rectory
5) Masticate
Top 5 Pet Names Based on the Names of World Leaders
1) Boris Yelpin'
2) George W. Bushbaby
3) Kim Jong Eel
4) Adolph Kitler
5) Chairman Meow

I am glad I could help Ms. Allans. To my other readers, I apologize for the tedium. You have only that remarkably selfish invalid to blame.

My Top 5 Top 5 Lists

Last night I watched High Fidelity, in which the characters spent a great deal of time making top five lists. I often am overly influenced by movies I watch. For example, after seeing Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I dipped my shoes in turpentine to see them melt in a heartbreaking manner. Instead they just became damp and smelt of turpentine. On another occasion, after a viewing of Moonraker, I used a laser from space to shoot things. Most memorably, after seeing Underworld: Evolution, I dressed entirely in skintight black leather, and walked around being a pointless, plot hole filled, confusing mess of stupidity.

Anyway, since I saw High Fidelity, I decided to make Top 5 lists. Here, for you lucky little ducks, is my Top 5 list of Top 5 lists. For those of you who find this boring, or confusingly recursive, please close your eyes and picture a relaxing beach. Then, picture that beach coming to life and punching you. That will teach you to not like things I write.

Top 5 Top 5 Lists
1) Top 5 songs about telephones
2) Top 5 words that rhyme with "purple"
3) Top 5 words that sound dirty, but are in fact not
4) Top 5 sandwiches made with beef
5) Top 5 pet names based on the names of world leaders

A Multiple Choice Excuse

Some of you sharp eyed roustabouts may have noticed that my web logging page has not been updated. I apologize and assure you that I was occupied with things of grand importance. As a gesture to you, my kind readers, I offer a choice of five excusses for my lack of attention to matters of the blog. Please choose that which is most satisfactory to you.

A) I was putting the finishing touches on the 600 page handwritten manuscript of my fan fiction crossover opus, Wallace and Gromit Meet the Thundercats: Quest for the Wrong Trousers of Thunder.

B) I was participating in a no holds barred free style martial arts tournament on a remote island fortress. My impressive fighting style of Anglo-Chi, which involves much headbutting and applying of Doc Martens to groins, served me well, defeating such vaunted opponents as Avalanche Smith, the bareknuckle boxer, the karate prodigy Danny "Dragon" Hernandez, and some freaky ninja who shoots fireballs. Unfortunately I was eliminated in a semi-final by Han Kim Lo, Master of the Flying Monkey Blade. I shall train and return next year to claim my title as Lord of Combat.

C) I was watching Jurassic Park III repeatedly, in order that I may learn the eerie language of the raptors, and greet them as friends when the time comes.

D) I was pursuing the notorious jewel thief known only as "The Cat of Stuttgart" across Europe. To the hot air balloon, Jenkins, the game is afoot and I sense our felonious adversary may be preparing his most brazen heist yet!!!!!

E) I was constructing an elaborate facsimilie of myself from soap and toothpicks, in order to throw my enemies off the scent, and also hang clothes on.

Please choose the excuse which best suits you, and leave a comment indicating your decision. Thank you gentle readers.