Movies Hate Me

I went to the movie theater this weekend. Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that a video game based movie would not make me blind with fury, and I watched Silent Hill.

Do not go see this movie. Ever. During this film, I watched a woman get her skin ripped off, three men eaten by demonic beetles, and a roomful of people torn apart by a barbed wire tentacle monster. I would gladly have any one of these things happen to me rather than watch Silent Hill again. I will give the movie credit for one thing though. When I watched it, I was bored, irritated, and wanted to do something else, which accurately recreates the emotions I have when I play the video game Silent Hill.

The film is a mess, filled with dialogue which was possibly written by a chimpanzee who had only rudimentary knowledge of how conversations in English work. Characterization is non existent. Noone in the film behaves, talks or reacts in a remotely coherent or logical way. There are weird plot inconsistencies and mistakes which combine with the deliberately obtuse and "ooh suspenseful mystery" script to make the film an utterly repellent experience. Among my favorite things about this film was the way that it apparently reset itself every time it faded to black. "How will our heroine escape this situation? I can't be bothered to write that, so lets just have a blackout, then she can be fine in the next scene". Also, in one scene, it goes from a dark unlit tunnel to blinding white light. The entire screen glows for about 30 seconds. That hurts my eyes. Screw you Silent Hill, for causing me physical discomfort on top of being a time wasting two hours of meandering badly written fanwanking.

I hope that the director, writers, producers and editors of Silent Hill get severe headaches every day for the next six months. A good way to give them these headaches would be forcing them to watch their own film every day. Maybe then they will learn their lesson. This is not enough however. I suggest that every time something bad happens, you refer to it as a "Silent Hill". For instance, if you get some bad food at a restaraunt, say "That was a Silent Hill of a meal". This way, it will enter our shared lexicon, and nobody will forget that this movie sucks more than a black hole powered vacuum cleaner.

Rockology: The Next Generation

I had fun writing the last one, so, cashing in on the public's love for sequels and remakes, and my own love of unoriginal nonsense about pop music, here are another five songs from the depths of my collection.

1) Evangeline - Bad Religion - I had forgotton how much I love this song. When Bad Religion has both Brett Gurewitz and Greg Graffin they are one of the best bands currently playing. This one's fast, and begs to be played loud. Please indulge it.

2) Scream Out - The Unseen - This is aggressive and menacing without being unlistenable. It won't change your life, but if you find yourself in a circle pit, this is what you want playing.

3) Little Demon - Screamin' Jay Hawkins - This is wonderful. Hawkins sings some nonsensical lyrics but he has such an earnest, powerful voice, it shouldn't matter. If you have only heard "I Put A Spell On You", you are missing out on some great rock and roll. Anyone who is a fan of raw yet ridiculous rock (a la The Cramps) needs to hear this.

4) Bob - Rancid - This is Rancid covering NoFX. I prefer this to the original. Honestly, there isn't much more to say than that. It certainly sounds like Rancid had fun recording it, unlike their Indestructible album.

5) Alright -Osker - A now forgotten nineties punk band. The vocals are flat, but like every Osker song I've ever heard, it works somehow, probably because there's some very competent pop punk/power pop tunes, with just the right amount of grit backing it up.

Not a bad crop of songs there. Someone give me a radio show. Now.

Rockology

Hello dear Internet fans (all 2 of you). My goodness but hasn't it been a long time since this blog was updated? It has. That is verifiable science.

Enough of Science, the cold unfeeling robot of life. Onto Art, the shiftless parasitic slob of life. Which branch of the arts should I focus on today? Perhaps the fine art of moviemaking, where dreams and imagination are brought to life, and then used to sell cars and pizza. Or instead, should I rhapsodize on music, that which soothes the savage beast, with dulcet tones such as "My Humps" and "Hollaback Girl"?

Indeed, music it shall be. For your edification (and because I cannot think of anything funny to write), I shall play a little game. I am going to put my music collection on shuffle, and review the first five songs. Maybe I'll be lucky and get five really cool obscure songs and everyone will marvel at my eclectic grooviness. More likely, the five most embarrassing songs I own will pop up and I will be called "poseur" and "sellout" until my face melts.

1) "Let's Lynch the Landlord" - Dead Kennedeys - It has the wicked sense of humour that the Kennedeys did so well, but I am not crazy about the music itself. It lacks the over the top speed and catchiness of better DK songs like "When You Get Drafted" or "Terminal Preppie". It's still a lot better than anything by Jennifer Lopez for instance.

2) "Long Black Veil" - Mike Ness - This is a Johnny Cash cover from the lead singer of Social Distortion. It's not too good folks. The song plods along, and exposes every limitation in Ness' vocal range. The cd it's from is good, but this isn't. Try the Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash, for a cover of this done well.

3) "Quick Step" - The Adverts - Ah, the Adverts. One of British Punk's more overlooked bands in my opinion. There's a lot of youthful energy in this, and it really has that frenzied, "we are doing something new and exciting" vibe that the best punk rock has.

4) "Big Sky" - Reverend Horton Heat - Now this I like. A very revved up rockabilly instrumental, this sort of feels like it could be the soundtrack to a meth fueled neo-Western. It's cool driving music, the sort of thing you listen to when you just can't drive 55.

5) "Change the World" - The Offspring - Yes, I enjoy the Offspring. Excuse me while I blush in shame and hand in my punk elitist card. This song is off Ixnay on the Hombre. It's not horrible, but it certainly does not rank among the band's better songs. At four minutes long, its also feels bloated. This song overstays its welcome (I'd like it a lot more if it was more to the point) and then adds on a minute of silence and a "funny" sound clip. I tend to skip over this track, but I don't loathe it.

And those are the facts. If you disagree, I may cry, and do you really want to do that to me?