Friday, November 09, 2007

New Year's Resolutions

It's November already - amazing! This past year has flown by like ten months and nine days! As the year draws to a close, I have decided to post my resolutions, the changes and goals I will set for 2008.

(Also, I'm incapable of having something on this blog that's 100 per cent serious, so there's probably some fake resolutions in the list. Aren't I wacky?)

1) Stop being physically unfit. Time to stop putting it off, and start regular exercise and a proper diet. Although it will mean the end of my lucrative plus size modeling career, I need to lose a large amount of weight.

Anyone who knows me, knows one thing in particular - "Wow, he's kind of short for a dude." If you choose to know two things, the other is probably - "That guy enjoys sandwiches on a frightening level." It's true, I love sandwiches. I've had sandwiches and sandwich-like equivalents from around the world, but my favorite is the tasty, old fashioned ham sandwich. Unfortunately, recent studies have shown that preserved meats, such as ham, its flavorful brother bacon and sinister Italian cousin pepperoni , are not only unhealthy, but may also increase the risk of cancer.

I like these foods, but smokers like cigarettes, and they quit all the time. So, I'll enjoy some ham and bacon this Christmas, but come January 1st, no more. On the downside, I'm fairly certain this will put about 8 pig farms out of business. Sorry economy.

2) Finish my novel by the end of 2008. I want to attempt to do something creative. This replaces my earlier plan to hide in a Barnes & Noble and write my name on all the copies of The Da Vinci Code.

3) Learn a new skill. I haven't chosen the skill yet, but just because I've finished college, doesn't mean I should stop learning. Maybe a musical instrument, or another language.

4) Wire up some sort of music player and speakers into my clothing, so I can finally achieve my dream of having my own theme music that everyone can hear. That will be awesome.

Amusing or frantic moments - "Yakety Sax"
Tense moments - "Ecstasy of Gold" by Ennio Morricone
Chase - instrumental version of "Because I Do" by X
Spontaneous bar fight - "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
Wacky Eighties flashback - "Rock the Casbah" by The Clash
Sad walk in the rain accompanying wistful montage - "Hold On" by Tom Waits
Any time I have to drive a truck - "Eastbound and Down"
End credits - "Going Underground" by The Jam

5) Hunt down and destroy the criminal organization SMERSH. Too long have they menaced the world, and I intend to do something about this.

(On further research, it appears that SMERSH are fictional. As such, I consider them defeated, and feel I am a great success.)

There are my resolutions. To end on a non sequitur, here are the 8 worst Halloween costumes I have ever worn.

1) Hobo - Fine, I admit it, it wasn't a costume. Also, it wasn't Halloween. Also, why was I sleeping in that dumpster?

2) Me with a Hat On - It wasn't even a good hat.

3) The Ghost of Mick Hucknall's Dreadlocks - Yeah, that was weird. Also, this reference is funnier in places where Mick Hucknall is actually famous.

4) Truth - Abstract concepts make terrible costumes.

5) Sexy Waitress - This was embarrassing and disturbing for everyone involved. I'm so sorry.

6) The Count of Monte Cristo - Yes, I confused the literary character with the sandwich. I have a problem.

7) Sexy Waitress - WHY DO I NEVER LEARN FROM MISTAKES?????

8) The Mascot for 1-800 ASK-A-DOG - Why do I continue to waste time and money on this concept?

To everyone reading this, I wish you the very best in 2008.