Sunday, April 23, 2006

Movies Hate Me

I went to the movie theater this weekend. Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that a video game based movie would not make me blind with fury, and I watched Silent Hill.

Do not go see this movie. Ever. During this film, I watched a woman get her skin ripped off, three men eaten by demonic beetles, and a roomful of people torn apart by a barbed wire tentacle monster. I would gladly have any one of these things happen to me rather than watch Silent Hill again. I will give the movie credit for one thing though. When I watched it, I was bored, irritated, and wanted to do something else, which accurately recreates the emotions I have when I play the video game Silent Hill.

The film is a mess, filled with dialogue which was possibly written by a chimpanzee who had only rudimentary knowledge of how conversations in English work. Characterization is non existent. Noone in the film behaves, talks or reacts in a remotely coherent or logical way. There are weird plot inconsistencies and mistakes which combine with the deliberately obtuse and "ooh suspenseful mystery" script to make the film an utterly repellent experience. Among my favorite things about this film was the way that it apparently reset itself every time it faded to black. "How will our heroine escape this situation? I can't be bothered to write that, so lets just have a blackout, then she can be fine in the next scene". Also, in one scene, it goes from a dark unlit tunnel to blinding white light. The entire screen glows for about 30 seconds. That hurts my eyes. Screw you Silent Hill, for causing me physical discomfort on top of being a time wasting two hours of meandering badly written fanwanking.

I hope that the director, writers, producers and editors of Silent Hill get severe headaches every day for the next six months. A good way to give them these headaches would be forcing them to watch their own film every day. Maybe then they will learn their lesson. This is not enough however. I suggest that every time something bad happens, you refer to it as a "Silent Hill". For instance, if you get some bad food at a restaraunt, say "That was a Silent Hill of a meal". This way, it will enter our shared lexicon, and nobody will forget that this movie sucks more than a black hole powered vacuum cleaner.

4 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

aww, the other movies we saw this weekend were better.

welcome back-- long time no post :)

9:32 PM

 
Blogger Lori said...

They should have just called it "The Ring 3; Dead Ringers"

3:57 PM

 
Blogger Uppish Kitten said...

Silent Hill...bad movie? Or the baddest movie?

8:48 PM

 
Blogger Kim said...

update?

7:02 PM

 

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