Delicious yet Deadly

Gentle reader, as I write this, it is Saint Valentine's Day. I am sure your heart is full of love, or alternatively your eyes are full of tears and your stomach is full of chocolate you bought yourself. Talking of hearts and fullness, do you know what many people's hearts are full of? The answer is cholesterol buildup. What causes this, I hear you cry? (Please note that I cannot actually hear you, this is a computer, not some magic voice machine.) Very often, the cause is fast food, that most sinister yet tasty product of this modern world. As a public service, I hereby list some of the strangest fast food items to slide down America's greasehole.

1) The Bell Beefer - The mere thought of this brings a smile to my face. Offered by Taco Bell, now discontinued, the Beefer was standard taco ingredients, beef, cheese, sour cream etc, placed inside a bun, to attract customers more used to hamburgers. Apparently there was a section of the population who could not bring themselves to understand food contained in a crispy corn shell rather than a fluffy rondelle of bread. And Taco Bell wished to cater to this group. Also, Bell Beefer would make a good name for a cartoonish bully in a light hearted scifi action show directed at children.

2) The McRib - The McRib is beguiling in its artificiality. Close your eyes, take a bite, and you might imagine you are eating actual food. However, this strange pork burger stands as a testament of man's sinister dominion over food. Rib shaped without ribs, covered in a sickly tangy sauce that defies description, loaded with pickles and onions that have never known the gentle kiss of the sun. In the future, the McRib will stand, outlasting us, and even the cockroaches themselves

3) Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger - A regular Jack in the Box favourite, the UBC can only be described as food porn. Countless millions waste away, while the elite gorge on two slabs of beef, three slices of cheese like substance, and two strips of bacon, all soaked in an unholy cocktail of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, and oil. Afterwards you may feel sluggish and faintly disappointed with yourself, but while it lasts, it is ecstacy.

4) Bag O'Poison N' Glass - This was offered for a very brief time at Wendys. It was a poorly received attempt at marketing to "extreme" teenagers, but was discontinued when research proved that not even the most avid skateboarders enjoyed eating shards of broken glass slathered in cyanide and chipotle pepper sauce.

5) Chicken Fries - Burger King felt that nuggets were inadequate. America craved, nay deserved, a new way to consume fatty chunks of deep fried processed poultry. Thus was born the Chicken Fry. Somewhere, up there, the man who first cut a potato into a long strip and dipped it in boiling fat is smiling. Someday, all food may be in the form best suited for dipping in the condiment of your choice. Fry Nation is coming, accept or be chipped.