Friday, November 09, 2007

New Year's Resolutions

It's November already - amazing! This past year has flown by like ten months and nine days! As the year draws to a close, I have decided to post my resolutions, the changes and goals I will set for 2008.

(Also, I'm incapable of having something on this blog that's 100 per cent serious, so there's probably some fake resolutions in the list. Aren't I wacky?)

1) Stop being physically unfit. Time to stop putting it off, and start regular exercise and a proper diet. Although it will mean the end of my lucrative plus size modeling career, I need to lose a large amount of weight.

Anyone who knows me, knows one thing in particular - "Wow, he's kind of short for a dude." If you choose to know two things, the other is probably - "That guy enjoys sandwiches on a frightening level." It's true, I love sandwiches. I've had sandwiches and sandwich-like equivalents from around the world, but my favorite is the tasty, old fashioned ham sandwich. Unfortunately, recent studies have shown that preserved meats, such as ham, its flavorful brother bacon and sinister Italian cousin pepperoni , are not only unhealthy, but may also increase the risk of cancer.

I like these foods, but smokers like cigarettes, and they quit all the time. So, I'll enjoy some ham and bacon this Christmas, but come January 1st, no more. On the downside, I'm fairly certain this will put about 8 pig farms out of business. Sorry economy.

2) Finish my novel by the end of 2008. I want to attempt to do something creative. This replaces my earlier plan to hide in a Barnes & Noble and write my name on all the copies of The Da Vinci Code.

3) Learn a new skill. I haven't chosen the skill yet, but just because I've finished college, doesn't mean I should stop learning. Maybe a musical instrument, or another language.

4) Wire up some sort of music player and speakers into my clothing, so I can finally achieve my dream of having my own theme music that everyone can hear. That will be awesome.

Amusing or frantic moments - "Yakety Sax"
Tense moments - "Ecstasy of Gold" by Ennio Morricone
Chase - instrumental version of "Because I Do" by X
Spontaneous bar fight - "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
Wacky Eighties flashback - "Rock the Casbah" by The Clash
Sad walk in the rain accompanying wistful montage - "Hold On" by Tom Waits
Any time I have to drive a truck - "Eastbound and Down"
End credits - "Going Underground" by The Jam

5) Hunt down and destroy the criminal organization SMERSH. Too long have they menaced the world, and I intend to do something about this.

(On further research, it appears that SMERSH are fictional. As such, I consider them defeated, and feel I am a great success.)

There are my resolutions. To end on a non sequitur, here are the 8 worst Halloween costumes I have ever worn.

1) Hobo - Fine, I admit it, it wasn't a costume. Also, it wasn't Halloween. Also, why was I sleeping in that dumpster?

2) Me with a Hat On - It wasn't even a good hat.

3) The Ghost of Mick Hucknall's Dreadlocks - Yeah, that was weird. Also, this reference is funnier in places where Mick Hucknall is actually famous.

4) Truth - Abstract concepts make terrible costumes.

5) Sexy Waitress - This was embarrassing and disturbing for everyone involved. I'm so sorry.

6) The Count of Monte Cristo - Yes, I confused the literary character with the sandwich. I have a problem.


8) The Mascot for 1-800 ASK-A-DOG - Why do I continue to waste time and money on this concept?

To everyone reading this, I wish you the very best in 2008.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Things I Thought of on the Drive from Houston

1) In the future, we may have so many CSI spin offs that they will run out of Who songs to use as the theme music. If this happens, I suggest they move on to Who members solo projects. Thus, every episode of CSI: Peoria will begin with Let My Love Open the Door by Pete Townshend.

2) If you think about, My Best Friend's Girl by the Cars could be an answer to Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield. Maybe Rick Springfield finally stole away Jessie's Girl, and then Rik Ocasek is Jessie and he's thinking about how his Best Friend's Girl used to be his. Unfortunately, on further research, the songs came out in the wrong order for this to be true. What a damn shame, because it would make one hell of a story.

3) I ended up listening to a "Classic Country" station that played "Hello Darlin'" by Conway Twitty and "You Were Always on My Mind" by Willie Nelson. I thought about how sad the songs were and how many people could relate to them. "El Paso" by Marty Robbins played next, and I considered driving to El Paso and shooting a cowboy over a Mexican girl, in order to relate to this song as well. Then I realized that I had no idea what direction to drive in order to reach El Paso. Besides, "Big Bad John" by Jimmy Dean and "Louisiana Saturday Night" by Mel McDaniel were on, and there is no way I'm going to rescue a bunch of miners while playing the fiddle and eating possum with my fifteen kids. I guess the point of this story is "The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men / Gang aft a-gley.”

4) Nobody says "Great Caesar's Ghost" anymore. I wonder if Caesar is happy about this becaue it must get pretty annoying to have people shout out your name all the time when they aren't really trying to get your attention. I bet Caesar's Ghost was always showing up and going "What?" and the person would say "Oh sorry, just expressing surprise." That would have gotten old really fast.

Friday, January 26, 2007

A Scientist Wrote The Last Post

I checked. It was a scientist, and a damn good one too.


I am better than aliens, any aliens. No matter what crazy extraterrestrial powers they have, I'm better. Two heads, tentacles, laser vision, acid blood etc. etc. I'm better. That is science and you can't argue with science.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

My Top Ten Eighties Albums

1) The Birthday Party - Junkuard (1982)
2) Bauhaus - Burning from the Inside (1983)
3) The English Beat - I Just Can't Stop It (1980)
4) Dead Kennedys - Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables (1980)
5) Killing Joke - Killing Joke (1980)
6) Gun Club - Fire of Love (1981)
7) X - Los Angeles (1980)
8) The Pogues - Red Roses for Me (1984)
9) The Pixies - Doolittle (1989)
10) Black Flag - Damaged (1981)

Bonus - My Top 5 of 1979

1) The Clash - London Calling
2) The Damned - Machine Gun Etiquette
3) Gang of Four - Entertainment!
4) Buzzcocks - Singles Going Steady
5) The Specials - Specials

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Twenty Purchases I Regret

1) 1 metric ton of misprinted Frankie Says Relax t-shirts
2) Chlorine gas dispensing Big Mouth Billy Bass
3) That Darn Cat (a poor Disney movie)
4) That Darn Cat (an actual cat)
5) Trimspa
6) A Monopoly game that had all the money replaced with fruit rollups
7) 72 McRibs
8) Knifoon - the handy knife spoon
9) Nude photos of Carrot Top
10) Antique cheese
11) A Pikey caravan
12) Tweed pants with leather knee patches
13) 1-800-ASKADOG
14) Howler monkey alarm clock
15) Bag of rusty nails and cobras
16) Tuxedo made from banana peels
17) Necronomicon translated into Urdu
18) Marlon Brando's liver
19) Betamax cybernetic implant
20) Eurodisney

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

Here are scary videos.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Can You Believe It?

Howdy there Internet folks, I was just figuring it's time to fire up the ol' blogging machine, and whip up a fresh batch of blog. I know how the young'uns do enjoy it.

So this is an update about pop culture oddities that, in retrospect, it might be difficult to believe existed.

1) Chris Gaines - So here's the deal, back in 1999, Garth Brooks, awful country singer, decides ruining country music isn't enough. He'd really like to ruin rock muic too. So, Garth Brooks creates the alter ego of Chris Gaines, an Australian rock star. Everyone knows it's Garth Brooks, but Brooks never explicitly states he is Gaines. A fake backstory and a fake discography are created, and a "Greatest Hits" cd, full of crappy nineties "alt rock". Vh1 ran a Chris Gaines Behind the Music, and Chris Gaines appeared as a musical guest on SNL. Brooks dressed up as Gaines, including a weird little goatee and a floppy black wig. Do I really have to explain to you people how ridiculous this whole thing is? Imagine the reverse. Eddie Vedder dressing in an oversized cowboy hat and skintight wranglers, calling himself "Hank Jones" and singing about cousin love. Wait a second, that's hilarious, why didn't he do that?

2) No One Would Tell - This little charmer is a movie from 1996. Here's the IMDB summary

16-year old Stacy is asked out by hunk Bobby, and soon they're a couple. But Bobby is psychologically unstable and uses violence whenever Stacy does something out of line. Soon he controls what she does, who she meets and how she dresses. It's puppy love turned into a disaster.
Now the delightful details. Stacy is played by Candace Cameron, and Bobby is played by Fred Savage. The boy from The Wonder Years abuses the spirit out of the girl from Full House. Then he kills her. The judge at the murder trial is Sally Jesse Raphael. It's like the casting is some beautiful gift to everyone who loves tasteless crap. The other "actors" in the movie emote like 1st year drama students. So you don't forget it's the Nineties, no-name "grunge" plays constantly, and everyone wears boots. Just go watch it. Kevin slugs DJ, and you can really tell that he was thinking of Winnie Cooper the whole time.
3) You know what, I could go on, but there really is just too much unbelievably stupid stuff in the world. Macho Man Randy Savage put out a rap album. A film featured Gary Busey as an evil gingerbread man. Marvel Comics published the adventures of Superpro, a crime fighting football player in a uniform that gave him superpowers. David Arquette was once WCW wrestling champion. I could go on, but it's sort of depressing. Or wonderful.