Mental Kudzu

New Year's Resolutions

2007-11-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

It's November already - amazing! This past year has flown by like ten months and nine days! As the year draws to a close, I have decided to post my resolutions, the changes and goals I will set for 2008.

(Also, I'm incapable of having something on this blog that's 100 per cent serious, so there's probably some fake resolutions in the list. Aren't I wacky?)

1) Stop being physically unfit. Time to stop putting it off, and start regular exercise and a proper diet. Although it will mean the end of my lucrative plus size modeling career, I need to lose a large amount of weight.

Anyone who knows me, knows one thing in particular - "Wow, he's kind of short for a dude." If you choose to know two things, the other is probably - "That guy enjoys sandwiches on a frightening level." It's true, I love sandwiches. I've had sandwiches and sandwich-like equivalents from around the world, but my favorite is the tasty, old fashioned ham sandwich. Unfortunately, recent studies have shown that preserved meats, such as ham, its flavorful brother bacon and sinister Italian cousin pepperoni , are not only unhealthy, but may also increase the risk of cancer.

I like these foods, but smokers like cigarettes, and they quit all the time. So, I'll enjoy some ham and bacon this Christmas, but come January 1st, no more. On the downside, I'm fairly certain this will put about 8 pig farms out of business. Sorry economy.

2) Finish my novel by the end of 2008. I want to attempt to do something creative. This replaces my earlier plan to hide in a Barnes & Noble and write my name on all the copies of The Da Vinci Code.

3) Learn a new skill. I haven't chosen the skill yet, but just because I've finished college, doesn't mean I should stop learning. Maybe a musical instrument, or another language.

4) Wire up some sort of music player and speakers into my clothing, so I can finally achieve my dream of having my own theme music that everyone can hear. That will be awesome.

Amusing or frantic moments - "Yakety Sax"
Tense moments - "Ecstasy of Gold" by Ennio Morricone
Chase - instrumental version of "Because I Do" by X
Spontaneous bar fight - "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
Wacky Eighties flashback - "Rock the Casbah" by The Clash
Sad walk in the rain accompanying wistful montage - "Hold On" by Tom Waits
Any time I have to drive a truck - "Eastbound and Down"
End credits - "Going Underground" by The Jam

5) Hunt down and destroy the criminal organization SMERSH. Too long have they menaced the world, and I intend to do something about this.

(On further research, it appears that SMERSH are fictional. As such, I consider them defeated, and feel I am a great success.)

There are my resolutions. To end on a non sequitur, here are the 8 worst Halloween costumes I have ever worn.

1) Hobo - Fine, I admit it, it wasn't a costume. Also, it wasn't Halloween. Also, why was I sleeping in that dumpster?

2) Me with a Hat On - It wasn't even a good hat.

3) The Ghost of Mick Hucknall's Dreadlocks - Yeah, that was weird. Also, this reference is funnier in places where Mick Hucknall is actually famous.

4) Truth - Abstract concepts make terrible costumes.

5) Sexy Waitress - This was embarrassing and disturbing for everyone involved. I'm so sorry.

6) The Count of Monte Cristo - Yes, I confused the literary character with the sandwich. I have a problem.

7) Sexy Waitress - WHY DO I NEVER LEARN FROM MISTAKES?????

8) The Mascot for 1-800 ASK-A-DOG - Why do I continue to waste time and money on this concept?

To everyone reading this, I wish you the very best in 2008.

Things I Thought of on the Drive from Houston

2007-05-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

1) In the future, we may have so many CSI spin offs that they will run out of Who songs to use as the theme music. If this happens, I suggest they move on to Who members solo projects. Thus, every episode of CSI: Peoria will begin with Let My Love Open the Door by Pete Townshend.

2) If you think about, My Best Friend's Girl by the Cars could be an answer to Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield. Maybe Rick Springfield finally stole away Jessie's Girl, and then Rik Ocasek is Jessie and he's thinking about how his Best Friend's Girl used to be his. Unfortunately, on further research, the songs came out in the wrong order for this to be true. What a damn shame, because it would make one hell of a story.

3) I ended up listening to a "Classic Country" station that played "Hello Darlin'" by Conway Twitty and "You Were Always on My Mind" by Willie Nelson. I thought about how sad the songs were and how many people could relate to them. "El Paso" by Marty Robbins played next, and I considered driving to El Paso and shooting a cowboy over a Mexican girl, in order to relate to this song as well. Then I realized that I had no idea what direction to drive in order to reach El Paso. Besides, "Big Bad John" by Jimmy Dean and "Louisiana Saturday Night" by Mel McDaniel were on, and there is no way I'm going to rescue a bunch of miners while playing the fiddle and eating possum with my fifteen kids. I guess the point of this story is "The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men / Gang aft a-gley.”

4) Nobody says "Great Caesar's Ghost" anymore. I wonder if Caesar is happy about this becaue it must get pretty annoying to have people shout out your name all the time when they aren't really trying to get your attention. I bet Caesar's Ghost was always showing up and going "What?" and the person would say "Oh sorry, just expressing surprise." That would have gotten old really fast.

A Scientist Wrote The Last Post

2007-01-26T19:06:00.000-08:00

I checked. It was a scientist, and a damn good one too.

Documentation

2007-01-26T19:04:00.000-08:00

I am better than aliens, any aliens. No matter what crazy extraterrestrial powers they have, I'm better. Two heads, tentacles, laser vision, acid blood etc. etc. I'm better. That is science and you can't argue with science.

My Top Ten Eighties Albums

2007-01-11T16:02:00.000-08:00

1) The Birthday Party - Junkuard (1982)
2) Bauhaus - Burning from the Inside (1983)
3) The English Beat - I Just Can't Stop It (1980)
4) Dead Kennedys - Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables (1980)
5) Killing Joke - Killing Joke (1980)
6) Gun Club - Fire of Love (1981)
7) X - Los Angeles (1980)
8) The Pogues - Red Roses for Me (1984)
9) The Pixies - Doolittle (1989)
10) Black Flag - Damaged (1981)

Bonus - My Top 5 of 1979

1) The Clash - London Calling
2) The Damned - Machine Gun Etiquette
3) Gang of Four - Entertainment!
4) Buzzcocks - Singles Going Steady
5) The Specials - Specials

Twenty Purchases I Regret

2007-01-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

1) 1 metric ton of misprinted Frankie Says Relax t-shirts
2) Chlorine gas dispensing Big Mouth Billy Bass
3) That Darn Cat (a poor Disney movie)
4) That Darn Cat (an actual cat)
5) Trimspa
6) A Monopoly game that had all the money replaced with fruit rollups
7) 72 McRibs
8) Knifoon - the handy knife spoon
9) Nude photos of Carrot Top
10) Antique cheese
11) A Pikey caravan
12) Tweed pants with leather knee patches
13) 1-800-ASKADOG
14) Howler monkey alarm clock
15) Bag of rusty nails and cobras
16) Tuxedo made from banana peels
17) Necronomicon translated into Urdu
18) Marlon Brando's liver
19) Betamax cybernetic implant
20) Eurodisney

Happy Halloween

2006-10-31T13:08:00.000-08:00

Here are scary videos.

Can You Believe It?

2006-10-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

Howdy there Internet folks, I was just figuring it's time to fire up the ol' blogging machine, and whip up a fresh batch of blog. I know how the young'uns do enjoy it.

So this is an update about pop culture oddities that, in retrospect, it might be difficult to believe existed.

1) Chris Gaines - So here's the deal, back in 1999, Garth Brooks, awful country singer, decides ruining country music isn't enough. He'd really like to ruin rock muic too. So, Garth Brooks creates the alter ego of Chris Gaines, an Australian rock star. Everyone knows it's Garth Brooks, but Brooks never explicitly states he is Gaines. A fake backstory and a fake discography are created, and a "Greatest Hits" cd, full of crappy nineties "alt rock". Vh1 ran a Chris Gaines Behind the Music, and Chris Gaines appeared as a musical guest on SNL. Brooks dressed up as Gaines, including a weird little goatee and a floppy black wig. Do I really have to explain to you people how ridiculous this whole thing is? Imagine the reverse. Eddie Vedder dressing in an oversized cowboy hat and skintight wranglers, calling himself "Hank Jones" and singing about cousin love. Wait a second, that's hilarious, why didn't he do that?

2) No One Would Tell - This little charmer is a movie from 1996. Here's the IMDB summary

16-year old Stacy is asked out by hunk Bobby, and soon they're a couple. But Bobby is psychologically unstable and uses violence whenever Stacy does something out of line. Soon he controls what she does, who she meets and how she dresses. It's puppy love turned into a disaster.

Now the delightful details. Stacy is played by Candace Cameron, and Bobby is played by Fred Savage. The boy from The Wonder Years abuses the spirit out of the girl from Full House. Then he kills her. The judge at the murder trial is Sally Jesse Raphael. It's like the casting is some beautiful gift to everyone who loves tasteless crap. The other "actors" in the movie emote like 1st year drama students. So you don't forget it's the Nineties, no-name "grunge" plays constantly, and everyone wears boots. Just go watch it. Kevin slugs DJ, and you can really tell that he was thinking of Winnie Cooper the whole time.

3) You know what, I could go on, but there really is just too much unbelievably stupid stuff in the world. Macho Man Randy Savage put out a rap album. A film featured Gary Busey as an evil gingerbread man. Marvel Comics published the adventures of Superpro, a crime fighting football player in a uniform that gave him superpowers. David Arquette was once WCW wrestling champion. I could go on, but it's sort of depressing. Or wonderful.

Je Suis Anglais

2006-08-01T05:40:00.000-07:00

I am writing this blog entry from a cybercafe in Paris. If you do not think that is a little cool, then you have some deep seated issues. Anyway, things are great here. Yesterday I went to Notre Dame, Le Conciegerie, Sainte Chapele, Le Palais Justis, and the Eiffel Tower.

I don't know if you are aware, but the Eiffel Tower is really, really tall. The view from the top is incredible, and I'm very glad I have come here. Having said that, I am looking forward to co,ing home and talking to people in Texas style English again.

Peace out friends and family, I'll see you all soon.

Movies Hate Me

2006-04-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

I went to the movie theater this weekend. Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that a video game based movie would not make me blind with fury, and I watched Silent Hill.

Do not go see this movie. Ever. During this film, I watched a woman get her skin ripped off, three men eaten by demonic beetles, and a roomful of people torn apart by a barbed wire tentacle monster. I would gladly have any one of these things happen to me rather than watch Silent Hill again. I will give the movie credit for one thing though. When I watched it, I was bored, irritated, and wanted to do something else, which accurately recreates the emotions I have when I play the video game Silent Hill.

The film is a mess, filled with dialogue which was possibly written by a chimpanzee who had only rudimentary knowledge of how conversations in English work. Characterization is non existent. Noone in the film behaves, talks or reacts in a remotely coherent or logical way. There are weird plot inconsistencies and mistakes which combine with the deliberately obtuse and "ooh suspenseful mystery" script to make the film an utterly repellent experience. Among my favorite things about this film was the way that it apparently reset itself every time it faded to black. "How will our heroine escape this situation? I can't be bothered to write that, so lets just have a blackout, then she can be fine in the next scene". Also, in one scene, it goes from a dark unlit tunnel to blinding white light. The entire screen glows for about 30 seconds. That hurts my eyes. Screw you Silent Hill, for causing me physical discomfort on top of being a time wasting two hours of meandering badly written fanwanking.

I hope that the director, writers, producers and editors of Silent Hill get severe headaches every day for the next six months. A good way to give them these headaches would be forcing them to watch their own film every day. Maybe then they will learn their lesson. This is not enough however. I suggest that every time something bad happens, you refer to it as a "Silent Hill". For instance, if you get some bad food at a restaraunt, say "That was a Silent Hill of a meal". This way, it will enter our shared lexicon, and nobody will forget that this movie sucks more than a black hole powered vacuum cleaner.

Rockology: The Next Generation

2006-04-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

I had fun writing the last one, so, cashing in on the public's love for sequels and remakes, and my own love of unoriginal nonsense about pop music, here are another five songs from the depths of my collection.

1) Evangeline - Bad Religion - I had forgotton how much I love this song. When Bad Religion has both Brett Gurewitz and Greg Graffin they are one of the best bands currently playing. This one's fast, and begs to be played loud. Please indulge it.

2) Scream Out - The Unseen - This is aggressive and menacing without being unlistenable. It won't change your life, but if you find yourself in a circle pit, this is what you want playing.

3) Little Demon - Screamin' Jay Hawkins - This is wonderful. Hawkins sings some nonsensical lyrics but he has such an earnest, powerful voice, it shouldn't matter. If you have only heard "I Put A Spell On You", you are missing out on some great rock and roll. Anyone who is a fan of raw yet ridiculous rock (a la The Cramps) needs to hear this.

4) Bob - Rancid - This is Rancid covering NoFX. I prefer this to the original. Honestly, there isn't much more to say than that. It certainly sounds like Rancid had fun recording it, unlike their Indestructible album.

5) Alright -Osker - A now forgotten nineties punk band. The vocals are flat, but like every Osker song I've ever heard, it works somehow, probably because there's some very competent pop punk/power pop tunes, with just the right amount of grit backing it up.

Not a bad crop of songs there. Someone give me a radio show. Now.

Rockology

2006-04-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

Hello dear Internet fans (all 2 of you). My goodness but hasn't it been a long time since this blog was updated? It has. That is verifiable science.

Enough of Science, the cold unfeeling robot of life. Onto Art, the shiftless parasitic slob of life. Which branch of the arts should I focus on today? Perhaps the fine art of moviemaking, where dreams and imagination are brought to life, and then used to sell cars and pizza. Or instead, should I rhapsodize on music, that which soothes the savage beast, with dulcet tones such as "My Humps" and "Hollaback Girl"?

Indeed, music it shall be. For your edification (and because I cannot think of anything funny to write), I shall play a little game. I am going to put my music collection on shuffle, and review the first five songs. Maybe I'll be lucky and get five really cool obscure songs and everyone will marvel at my eclectic grooviness. More likely, the five most embarrassing songs I own will pop up and I will be called "poseur" and "sellout" until my face melts.

1) "Let's Lynch the Landlord" - Dead Kennedeys - It has the wicked sense of humour that the Kennedeys did so well, but I am not crazy about the music itself. It lacks the over the top speed and catchiness of better DK songs like "When You Get Drafted" or "Terminal Preppie". It's still a lot better than anything by Jennifer Lopez for instance.

2) "Long Black Veil" - Mike Ness - This is a Johnny Cash cover from the lead singer of Social Distortion. It's not too good folks. The song plods along, and exposes every limitation in Ness' vocal range. The cd it's from is good, but this isn't. Try the Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash, for a cover of this done well.

3) "Quick Step" - The Adverts - Ah, the Adverts. One of British Punk's more overlooked bands in my opinion. There's a lot of youthful energy in this, and it really has that frenzied, "we are doing something new and exciting" vibe that the best punk rock has.

4) "Big Sky" - Reverend Horton Heat - Now this I like. A very revved up rockabilly instrumental, this sort of feels like it could be the soundtrack to a meth fueled neo-Western. It's cool driving music, the sort of thing you listen to when you just can't drive 55.

5) "Change the World" - The Offspring - Yes, I enjoy the Offspring. Excuse me while I blush in shame and hand in my punk elitist card. This song is off Ixnay on the Hombre. It's not horrible, but it certainly does not rank among the band's better songs. At four minutes long, its also feels bloated. This song overstays its welcome (I'd like it a lot more if it was more to the point) and then adds on a minute of silence and a "funny" sound clip. I tend to skip over this track, but I don't loathe it.

And those are the facts. If you disagree, I may cry, and do you really want to do that to me?

Movie Mayhem

2006-03-09T14:29:00.000-08:00

As I feel it is my duty to monitor the airwaves for breaking news, or possibly just a marathon of I Love the 80's, I watch a fair amount of television, or what young folks such as myself might call "T.V", "the Tube", "the Telly" or "Ye Magickal Viewtrickery". Because of this, I ended up watching the Oscars. I probably did this as a desperate cry for help of some kind.

Crash won Best Picture. I was astounded, as previously, I thought it an exceedingly poor idea to combat stereotypes and racism by parading a string of grotesque caricatures across a screen. However, the Academy obviously disagrees with me. Fine, I shall show them. In revenge for this, I hereby give the public some of my ideas for movies, which are so good, Hollywood will explode.

1) The Haunted Robot: In this film, I bet you think a ghost lives in a robot. You are wrong. In a stunning M. Night style twist, the robot is actually tormented by sinister ghosts, who will not let him forget his robot related crimes. Also, it turns out the whole thing was a dream in the head of an even bigger robot, who has his own ghost!!!!!!!! Starring James Woods as Hercules the Robot, and Janeane Garafalo as Ghost #3.

2) Zombie Werewolf Apocalypse or How I Learned to Stop Being a Zombie, and Become a Werewolf: We all know that zombies are scary. But what if there was some sort of crazy werewolf that bites zombies and turns them into zombie werewolves. Then, a scientist gives them titanium razors for hands. I think you will agree that this is so scary, your spine is literally tingling out of your back. Please see a doctor immediately. Starring Danny Trejo as Captain Lincoln "Lobo" Martinez, and Malcolm McDowell as Professor Stalingrad.

3) Hearts of Kaboom: Sometimes I am watching a film, and get restless. Using the latest technology, this movie sense when you are bored, and switches from a modern day retelling of Troilus and Cressida, to footage of sweet explosions. KABOOM!!!!!!! Oh snap, did you guys see that one? Starring Cuba Gooding Jr. as Black Transvestite Achilles, and Ralph Macchio as Troilus the Troubled Youth with Grunge Sensibilities.

Take that Movie Industry. Also, watching something on DVD isn't that bad, so get off my damn case already.

Announce This!!!

2006-02-21T22:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry everyone, but due to a shortage of humour, caused by warfare in humour producing zones, I shall be unable to update this week. As a substitute, may I humbly request that you instead share a hearty chuckle with your loved ones about something adorably precocious a young child said. Either that, or watch a Seinfeld rerun.

Delicious yet Deadly

2006-02-14T20:29:00.000-08:00

Gentle reader, as I write this, it is Saint Valentine's Day. I am sure your heart is full of love, or alternatively your eyes are full of tears and your stomach is full of chocolate you bought yourself. Talking of hearts and fullness, do you know what many people's hearts are full of? The answer is cholesterol buildup. What causes this, I hear you cry? (Please note that I cannot actually hear you, this is a computer, not some magic voice machine.) Very often, the cause is fast food, that most sinister yet tasty product of this modern world. As a public service, I hereby list some of the strangest fast food items to slide down America's greasehole.

1) The Bell Beefer - The mere thought of this brings a smile to my face. Offered by Taco Bell, now discontinued, the Beefer was standard taco ingredients, beef, cheese, sour cream etc, placed inside a bun, to attract customers more used to hamburgers. Apparently there was a section of the population who could not bring themselves to understand food contained in a crispy corn shell rather than a fluffy rondelle of bread. And Taco Bell wished to cater to this group. Also, Bell Beefer would make a good name for a cartoonish bully in a light hearted scifi action show directed at children.

2) The McRib - The McRib is beguiling in its artificiality. Close your eyes, take a bite, and you might imagine you are eating actual food. However, this strange pork burger stands as a testament of man's sinister dominion over food. Rib shaped without ribs, covered in a sickly tangy sauce that defies description, loaded with pickles and onions that have never known the gentle kiss of the sun. In the future, the McRib will stand, outlasting us, and even the cockroaches themselves

3) Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger - A regular Jack in the Box favourite, the UBC can only be described as food porn. Countless millions waste away, while the elite gorge on two slabs of beef, three slices of cheese like substance, and two strips of bacon, all soaked in an unholy cocktail of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, and oil. Afterwards you may feel sluggish and faintly disappointed with yourself, but while it lasts, it is ecstacy.

4) Bag O'Poison N' Glass - This was offered for a very brief time at Wendys. It was a poorly received attempt at marketing to "extreme" teenagers, but was discontinued when research proved that not even the most avid skateboarders enjoyed eating shards of broken glass slathered in cyanide and chipotle pepper sauce.

5) Chicken Fries - Burger King felt that nuggets were inadequate. America craved, nay deserved, a new way to consume fatty chunks of deep fried processed poultry. Thus was born the Chicken Fry. Somewhere, up there, the man who first cut a potato into a long strip and dipped it in boiling fat is smiling. Someday, all food may be in the form best suited for dipping in the condiment of your choice. Fry Nation is coming, accept or be chipped.

Highway to Terror

2006-02-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

I went to Houston this weekend, and returned to Austin on this Sunday. On doing this, I discovered an awesome way to freak yourself out.

So I'm driving on 290, and it is dark, dark as, oh, let's say night. There were no street lights, and very few other cars. Trees lined the side of the road. I have this gadget that broadcasts songs from my Ipod onto the radio. The songs were on random, and "She's In Parties" by Bauhaus came on. By itself, it is a weird enough song. When it is dark and the song goes weirdly staticky and pulses with a strange unearthly beat just on the edge of hearing, it is downright eerie.

That's when the vampires attacked .....

Matthew Answers Fan Mail

2006-02-05T15:26:00.000-08:00

I have received an overwhelming response to my recent post about Top 5 lists. One Judith G. Allans, of Boise, Idaho, sent me this heartfelt missive.

Dear Matthew,
I am terminally ill, and before I die, I wish to know the full
content of your Top 5 Top 5 lists.
Yours,

Judith G Allans;
Boise, Idaho.

Well Ms Allans, that is quite the message there. First, as you are not an acquaintace, I would ask that you refer to me as Mr. Donovan. However, despite your impropriety, I will grant your request.

Top 5 Songs about Telephones
1) "Silent Telephone" by The 101'ers
2) "Hangin' on the Telephone" by Blondie
3) "Spiderwebs" by No Doubt
4) "Phone Machine" by The Vandals
5) "867-5309" by Tommy Tutone
Top 5 Words That Rhyme with Purple
1) Nurple
2) Curple
3) Hirple
4) Urkel
5) Orange (Note that this rhymes only on the Shimada-Collins Colour Phoneme Equivalency Scale)
Top 5 Sandwiches Made with Beef
1) BBQ Brisket Sandwich
2) Steak Sandwich
3) Roast Beef Sandwich
4) Salt Beef Sandwich
5) Hamburger
Top 5 Words That Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Not
1) Nuptials
2) Penal
3) Kumquat
4) Rectory
5) Masticate
Top 5 Pet Names Based on the Names of World Leaders
1) Boris Yelpin'
2) George W. Bushbaby
3) Kim Jong Eel
4) Adolph Kitler
5) Chairman Meow

I am glad I could help Ms. Allans. To my other readers, I apologize for the tedium. You have only that remarkably selfish invalid to blame.

My Top 5 Top 5 Lists

2006-02-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched High Fidelity, in which the characters spent a great deal of time making top five lists. I often am overly influenced by movies I watch. For example, after seeing Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I dipped my shoes in turpentine to see them melt in a heartbreaking manner. Instead they just became damp and smelt of turpentine. On another occasion, after a viewing of Moonraker, I used a laser from space to shoot things. Most memorably, after seeing Underworld: Evolution, I dressed entirely in skintight black leather, and walked around being a pointless, plot hole filled, confusing mess of stupidity.

Anyway, since I saw High Fidelity, I decided to make Top 5 lists. Here, for you lucky little ducks, is my Top 5 list of Top 5 lists. For those of you who find this boring, or confusingly recursive, please close your eyes and picture a relaxing beach. Then, picture that beach coming to life and punching you. That will teach you to not like things I write.

Top 5 Top 5 Lists
1) Top 5 songs about telephones
2) Top 5 words that rhyme with "purple"
3) Top 5 words that sound dirty, but are in fact not
4) Top 5 sandwiches made with beef
5) Top 5 pet names based on the names of world leaders

A Multiple Choice Excuse

2006-02-02T22:55:00.000-08:00

Some of you sharp eyed roustabouts may have noticed that my web logging page has not been updated. I apologize and assure you that I was occupied with things of grand importance. As a gesture to you, my kind readers, I offer a choice of five excusses for my lack of attention to matters of the blog. Please choose that which is most satisfactory to you.

A) I was putting the finishing touches on the 600 page handwritten manuscript of my fan fiction crossover opus, Wallace and Gromit Meet the Thundercats: Quest for the Wrong Trousers of Thunder.

B) I was participating in a no holds barred free style martial arts tournament on a remote island fortress. My impressive fighting style of Anglo-Chi, which involves much headbutting and applying of Doc Martens to groins, served me well, defeating such vaunted opponents as Avalanche Smith, the bareknuckle boxer, the karate prodigy Danny "Dragon" Hernandez, and some freaky ninja who shoots fireballs. Unfortunately I was eliminated in a semi-final by Han Kim Lo, Master of the Flying Monkey Blade. I shall train and return next year to claim my title as Lord of Combat.

C) I was watching Jurassic Park III repeatedly, in order that I may learn the eerie language of the raptors, and greet them as friends when the time comes.

D) I was pursuing the notorious jewel thief known only as "The Cat of Stuttgart" across Europe. To the hot air balloon, Jenkins, the game is afoot and I sense our felonious adversary may be preparing his most brazen heist yet!!!!!

E) I was constructing an elaborate facsimilie of myself from soap and toothpicks, in order to throw my enemies off the scent, and also hang clothes on.

Please choose the excuse which best suits you, and leave a comment indicating your decision. Thank you gentle readers.

Nobody understands me like Google.

2006-01-18T16:57:00.000-08:00

I consulted my swell pal Emil Ivanovitch Googlewicz, Google to his friends, about what I need in life. This is what he came up with.

1)Matthew needs sweet 16 to seal California dream.
2)Matthew needs to know what is expected of him.
3)Matthew needs a winter coat.
4)Matthew needs an adoptive family with a positive male role model.
5)Matthew needs to know if they migrate, and if so, where?
6)Matthew needs to be 'teached' english before general studies.
7)Matthew needs to show us the antecedents and status of this King.
8)Matthew needs to be very close to the source material.
9)Matthew needs to use the phone.
10)Matthew needs to share his ideals with others.
11)Matthew needs an IV for the contrast.
12)Matthew's needs no explanation.
13)Matthew needs to do more vocals!
14)Matthew needs a place to record government corruption.
15)Matthew needs a doctor immediately.
16)Matthew needs to do this as a "private citizen".
17)Matthew needs a hug.
18)Matthew needs to stay in the hospital.
19)Matthew needs to be assured of three things.
20)Matthew needs to make the film as technically sound as possible.

Google is not helping me get these things, so if anyone has a winter coat, a doctor, a phone, a hug, or an opportunity for me to do more vocals, please let me know.

The Blogosphere is abuzz!!

2006-01-16T21:47:00.000-08:00

In my grand tradition of arriving to trends late, I now have a blog. Should I wish, I could inform the Internet of my every activity. A schoolchild in Bangladesh could read what I ate for dinner, while an elderly member of an Australian Aboriginal group could chuckle heartily over some witticism I choose to relate. This Information Superhighway is indeed a marvel, as many people, both Aboriginies and Bangladeshis have contacted me about personal information in the past.

I have been informed that it is considered polite in the Blogoseum (note: I just invented this word and hold exclusive copyright, so don't try and steal this) to leave comments in Blogs. I apologize that I have not done this in the past, and shall now do so. I would also be honoured if others wish to leave comments in my own poor entry to the Blogoteria (note: I invented this too, so you word vultures are duly warned).